Did some financial planning for my retirement yesterday and it looks like I can live comfortably for eleven minutes.
After a year of being president, I became a little self-conscious about what the members thought of me. I went to a psychologist and expressed to her that I had the feeling everyone hated me. She told me: “That’s nonsense, you haven’t met everyone yet!”
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
Dave was a single guy, living at home with his father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died. Dave wanted two things:
• to learn how to invest his inheritance and,
• to find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Then………...Two weeks later she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men...