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Dog World

Whacky definitions

ADULT:  A person who has stopped growing at both ends And is now growing in the middle.

 

BEAUTY PARLOR:  A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

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This is what a bad mood looks like

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Twelve Commandments for Seniors

1. Talk to yourself. There are times you need             expert advice.

2. "In Style" are that clothes that still fit.

3. You don't need anger management.  You              need people to stop making you mad.

4. Your people skills are just fine.  It's your                 tolerance for idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie you tell yourself is "I don't               need to write that down.  I'll remember it".

6. “On time” is when you get there. 

7. Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure            does muffle the sound.

8. It would be wonderful if we could put                    ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then          come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

9. Lately you've noticed people your age are so        much older than you. 

10. Growing old should have taken longer. 

11. Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't              shut you up.

12. You still haven't learned to act your age and          hope you never will. 

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Blond Man

A blonde man is in the bathroom, and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo? " He answers, “Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine.”

 

A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND." He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

 

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart." "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No! " he shouts, "this is her husband!"

 

A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blonde replies. "The rope should be around your neck," says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".

An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: “Why do scuba divers always fall backward off their   boats?” To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?  " The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two

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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having  sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."   To which the man replied: “Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!”

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Unpaid Babysitters

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